Akatsuki: First Crushes are Funny
by Cheshire Cat Inc
Summary: started out as just a short drabble about Deidara's first crush. but decided to make it a series about akatsuki's 1st crushes.XD and how they reflect on how funny they were.Anyways if you wanna read,go ahead.Reviews are nice,but i don't really mind.
1. Deidara

Wrote this for for the sheer _randomness_ of it. And yes it's Deidara's point of view about when he had his first crush.

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**First Crushes**

I was twelve the first time I had told a girl I liked her,

I didn't know what I should say in a situation like this, so I did the first thing that came to mind.

I told her straight out forward…un.

She laughed so hard that she almost fainted from the lack of oxygen.

She asked me if I was serious.

And I guess she didn't like my answer…un.

She told me I was a freak, and that I should stay away from her.

**That was Mistake Number 1.**

Then one day I grabbed her hand because we had to pair up with someone for an exercise.

And we were to pick a partner within 15 seconds.

She screamed out with an alarming shriek…un.

Something about my hands being deranged…or something like that…yeah.

**That was Mistake Number 2.**

Then just when I decided I despised her, she sent me a short four-line poem.

Being curious I opened it.

Inside it read…

_Dear Deidara,_

_In an attempt to finally make you realize that I don't like you, I wrote a short, and to the point poem. HOPEFULLY you will FINALLY understand!_

_Roses are Red,_

_Shamrocks are Green,_

_When I look at your face (or hands for that matter)_

_I just want to scream. (Or gag.)_

…Ouch, un.

That was when I realized.

**She had made Mistake Number 3.**

The next day she had awakened to clay in her hair, spiders in her bed, and a smiling me standing on her windowsill.

**1…2…3…BOOM!**

Teach you to mess with me.

What could be more relaxing than creating fine art in the morning, un?

Ah yes,

That's when I knew my heart belonged to a feisty, and unique lady called…

**Art…yeah.**


	2. Kisame

This chapter is about kisame.

I don't like it though...oh well.

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I remember my first crush!

Oh yes I remember!

She was a pretty one!

I had seen a couple of teenagers at a festival once,

And one of the guys had won a fish for this girl.

Then the man took their fish, and when he came back,

The fish was gone!

I was wondering what happened to it,

But when the girl came out she looked very content.

So I asked her to the annual anniversary festival of Kirigakure!

She said **_no_**.

I decided that if she didn't want to go,

I could do the one thing boys do best.

Gross her out until she can't refuse!

Brilliant idea if you asked me.

The next day I had eaten red salsa.

I approached her with a big smile,

And asked her again if see would go with me to the festival.

She screamed at me, shouting Killer!

And shouting "JAWS! JAWS!"

I didn't know it was the salsa in my teeth.

And who the bloody hell is "_Jaws_?"

Then at the Academy, we had the exercise with standing on the water.

I had pulled her under the water,

And pretended to bite her arm.

She thought I was a shark.

Psshh, I'm much too handsome to be a shark though.

Then when I thought she had had enough,

I went up to ask her to go to the festival with me.

But before I even asked she said yes.

She said it so quickly that I couldn't tell if she was afraid, or just eager.

When we approached the festival,

I went up to the fishing stand,

And won the fish for her!

She was so delighted,

I just smirked to myself!

Then he took the fish away,

And a few moments later he returned.

He was holding two little round balls,

That was burned to a light brown.

He handed them to us.

She looked at me hesitantly.

I thought she was shy.

(I mean what girl wouldn't be?)

She took a small bite out of it,

And then turned towards me anxiously.

Well if she expected me to eat it,

I guess I had to,

I took a bite.

It was one of the most delicious things I had ever eaten in my life.

Then I turned to look at her.

Her eyes were wide.

Next thing I knew she fainted.

When she woke up about thirty seconds later,

She looked up at my and screamed….

"YOU CANNINBAL!!!?!?"

Cannibal?

Who?

**ME?**

She was pointing to the sign.

And when I looked up,

Boy I swore,

I had **_shit_** myself.

The sign read (to my horror)

_**"COME ONE! COME ALL! CATCH YOUR OWN FISH, **_

_**AND WE'LL COOK YOUR PRIZE INTO A TASTY TREAT!"**_

I think at that time,

I was the one who fainted.

I couldn't believe it,

I was a _cannibal!_

Damn, I guess I couldn't antagonize Zetsu anymore…


	3. Hidan

okay...okay , i knew it took a long time to update. it was because i was too lazy m'kay?

well usually i don't like to cuss, but if you're writing with Hidan, it's like the most important thing, so i'm sorry about all the swearing. My thoughts about this chapter are kinda weird. I couldn't find much effort into the crush part of the chapter.

P.S. I really do love Deidara to bits, but i just had to make fun of him. :P

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters/plots/part of Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does though

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Man, can you believe fucking _Kakuzu_ had a girlfriend, and I didn't? 

It was something so damn creepy,

That girly pyromaniac Deidara-Chan screamed like a bitch.

I punched him…or rather attempted to.

Makes me wonder if he really is a guy.

But that's beside the damn point.

Kakuzu that damn, money-whore, bastard partner of mine had to go,

And rub it into my face.

I mean _honestly_ who in their right mine would fucking want to date

Something that…that…is well you know, is…umm…plain _fucking ugly._

The only reason why I didn't have a girlfriend was because Jashin-Sama Says there is no fucking thing such as _love._

Fuck, the only thing I would have for a woman is Lust.

I remember before I took up Jashin,

I was a freaking _pansy_.

I had a, dare I say…crush

Yeah that's right, a crush on a girl!

She was a pretty tough one, always wore a little red necklace on her neck.

She always acted kind,

But had one hell of a temper.

She knocked me out once, the little bitch.

To think I followed her around like a love struck idiot

With a pole shoved up their ass…pathetic.

I had remembered her saying I was_ cute._

Like Hell was I cute!

If I could go back in time,

I would've cut her to bit-size bits,

And roll around in her blood, like a pig in mud!

Damn…why can't that dream come true?

She said sorry to me, and then she asked me to meet her at the park bench.

Me being the faggot I was when I was twelve, accepted.

When she arrived her necklace was missing.

It was odd because it was her most prized possession,

Plus it was worth a whole castle.

Damn it, she really reminds me of Kakuzu now.

She looked at me suspiciously,

And me just gawking at how pretty she looked just ignored it.

She screamed at me, accusing me of stealing her necklace, and shit like that.

Funny, a temper like that is something worthy Jashin Followers need.

Well, the bitch fucking attacked me with one of her

Puppet-like water controlling jutsus.

Shit As if that bastard Sasori wasn't enough for creepy puppets.

I dodged it, but just barely.

I had asked her "What the Fuck I had done?"

She just blabbed on about her cheap, shitty necklace being stolen.

Now I had received my scythe three days before.

It was my first scythe.

I took it out in self-defense.

But then as she kept attacking me, I began to taste my own blood,

Or rather, should I say it was hers.

I didn't notice I had cut her stomach open

With just the slightest slice of my scythe.

It tasted _good._

I kept cutting her up like I was on fucking crack,

Or something like that.

When I looked down, she was a bloody mess.

I felt so alive, but then in a split second,

Recognition became apparent.

I was a little amused, and horrified at the same time.

All of a sudden a little _meow_ came from behind me.

As I turned around I realized in this cat's mouth was the girl's necklace.

Oh yeah! Blame fucking me to steal a priceless necklace!

When it was a fucking cross eyed son of a bitch cat!

"What are you doing, un?"

"FUCK YOU KITTY! YOU LITTLE DOUCH-BAG!"

I punch the object in front of me with all my might.

Apparently that object happened to be a stunned Deidara.

The sickening crunch of him greeting the wall,

Was what woke me from my thoughts.

"HIDAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!! YOU BASTARD!"

Next thing I know I got clay spiders,

And clay birds surrounding me in a circle.

Please don't say that faggot was going to detonate them.

If this bastard did then I fucking swear I would rip his-

"ART IS A BANG!"

"…BOOM!"

Damn It!

"KAKUZU! HAUL YOUR ASS OVER HERE,

AND SEW MY HEAD BACK ON!" I screamed

…No response.

"KAKAAAAAZUUUUUUUUUU!"

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poor kitty...:( 

it never had a chance...(neither did Deidara)XD

oh well i liked writing this one more than Kisame's.

I don't know who to do next...i'm running out of ideas here.

If you have a suggestion or idea tell me okay?

I don't care if it's stupid or not, the category is humour right:D

-Kitsune-Kisses


	4. READ POR FAVOR!

Okay first of all, I should be roasting over a fire and dying for not updating for like half a year

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Yeah I'm an official Procrastinator, and no I don't get paid for all the procrastination I do. D: ANYWAYS :D , I'm here to discuss what and who you would like me to do for the next chap that I will start working on like tomorrow ;p

A lot of you guys have given me a bunch of ideas that I'm confused on what to write, honestly I never thought this fic would get over even 3 reviews XD (someone's a downer . )

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Okay first question, who would you prefer I write about next?

-Sasori

-Itachi

-Konan

-Pein

-Kakuzu

-Tobi

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Please let me know………..:D

And then I've never written Yaoi/Yuri so yeah…..I mean I could try but it'd probably be lame for a first try.  Please give me some answers so I can clarify what _**most **_of you guys would prefer.

P.S. I've changed my penname From Tainted Kitsune Kisses to Cheshire Cat Inc.


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